I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
