If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
