Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
