i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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