im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I did not marry a roomba.
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