im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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