If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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