I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
