Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
