anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
