He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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