I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
