When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
