I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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