after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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