I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
another moral hangover. fuck.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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