3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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