I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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