Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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