Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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