I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My balls are so social today.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I need moral support for this bender
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
