she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
