By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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