There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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