My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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