i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize