It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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