She is in my trunk
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
