Jerry, you need to find god
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
