so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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