Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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