The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm having to shit out rocks
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