Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You are a genius and a whore.
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