drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
