Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
