I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
