My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
