everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
