Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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