My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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