I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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