Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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