We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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