You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
