Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
