God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i already hear my dad disowning me
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
