I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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