oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Randomize
