I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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