My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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