Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
