I wish I could punch you in the face.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you win again, gameday.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I still have a little drunk in my system
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
