I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
