i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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