Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
