oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
