i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
