Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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